


Too Many, Too Much

by Wilted_roses02



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Dark, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Feels, Female Characters, Food, Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Original Characters - Freeform, Plot, Poetry, Sad, Secrets, Self Esteem, Self-Harm, non sexual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25542490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wilted_roses02/pseuds/Wilted_roses02
Summary: Lina (short for Evangeline) starts to go on a few fad diets, and slowly but surely develops an eating disorder. For a while she struggles with it, until it gets her a bed at the towns hospital. She knows she has to save herself, but, maybe, she doesn’t want to be saved.
Kudos: 1





	1. 124 Pounds

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is mostly just a way for me to vent, as I deal with a lot of the things Lina does. There’s probably going to be a tw for every chapter, so if reading about eds and mental health issues are a trigger for you please don’t read!! The last thing I want is to hurt someone.

I woke up hungry. Not that that’s unusual, but the constant noises my stomach make get on my nerves sometimes. I’ve been trying a few new diets I saw on Instagram to loose a couple pounds; only problem is, I’m constantly hungry. It’s not a bad feeling, usually. Sometimes though, it’ll get bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not starving myself; I eat about 1 1/2 small meals a day, 2 if i’m having a rough one. 

It’s not even 6am yet and my mom is already downstairs about to go to work. 

“Evangeline!” She calls up the stairwell to me.

She only calls me by my full name when she gets impatient or somewhat upset with me, which is about every morning. Usually she, like most people I know, calls me Lina. It’s been my nickname for as long as I can remember, but I have no idea where it came from. 

“I’m up!” I yell back at her, even though I’m still in bed. I roll over to my side and check my phone. No new messages. Surprise surprise. 

“I’m leaving for work! You need to go in about an hour!” She calls back to me. 

“Ok!” I yell back, a little exasperated. We do this every morning. I know she means well but God, Tracy I can set my own alarm. 

Disappointed with my empty phone, and fairly hangry, I decided to start the day 20 minutes earlier than normal. I got up, wishing I had the energy to do this today, took off my clothes, and stepped onto the scale. 124 pounds. That’s better, I guess. I wish these diets would work faster, I’ve only lost like 10 pounds in the past month. Before I could really beat myself up over it, I hopped in the shower. 

Once I was out, I grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of black jeans from my basket of clean clothes I have yet to fold, and put them on. It’s not much, but I live in Stonington, Connecticut, where there’s, like, not even 1,000 people in the whole place. No one really gives a flying fuck what you wear, as long as you’re following Gods Rules For Women or some bullshit like that. 

I stared at myself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes, like I do every morning, scrutinizing my thighs, and my face, and my torso, and thinking about how much prettier I would look if I were smaller. 

I styled my hair about three different ways before I finally decided to just leave it down. It’s mostly black, but I have bright red ends. Some kids make fun of me for it, but I don’t really care. My hair might be the only part of me I like, and I won’t let some fuckboy take that away from me.

I can admit I have a bit of a self esteem issue, but I don’t think it’s super serious. Sure I want to be skinny, but that’s not a horrible thing is it?

—

I ride my bike to school because a) it burns calories, and b) the school’s so close, and if I asked my mother to drive me she’d probably just call me lazy. Either way, I grabbed a granola bar on my way out and rode to school.

When I got there, I took a few bites of my granola bar, and offered the rest to my friend, saying I wasn’t that hungry. In reality, I was, but I knew Tracy was making dinner tonight, so I couldn’t let myself eat too much. 

Virginia was nice, definitely, but I didn’t wanna tell her the real reason I wasn’t hungry. Truth be told, I have a fear of being a burden to others, and since I don’t have many friends to begin with, I’m afraid if I tell them my problems they’ll drop me because I’m too much work. 

“Hey, did you get the math homework done?” she asked me. She was sweet, but also rather infamous for “forgetting” to do her homework. 

“Yeah, but one of these days I’m gonna be sick or something and you won’t have me to copy from!” I joked, playfully hitting her.

“Ow!” she yelped, even though that couldn’t have hurt. 

“Oh cmon, that did not hurt,” I rolled my eyes.

“It did too! Maybe I’ll tell Mr. Harrison you hit me!”

“Please, Virginia, you and I both know you ain’t a snitch.”

“Yeah you’re right, I wouldn’t snitch on you.” she smiled at me and I blushed.

God she was so pretty, so beautiful. She has this smooth chocolate skin with big brown eyes that crinkle at the corners when she laughs. She always makes eye contact with you when you talk, like she’s giving you all her attention. She has a big black afro, and she usually puts bright yellow sunflower clips in it. I told her once that yellow was her color, and now she always wears a little yellow bracelet to match the sunflowers in her hair.

Sometimes I wonder what a girl as pretty as she is is doing hanging out with a girl like me. She’s perfect and i’m... not. Maybe I will be, if these diets start working. Shit, maybe I should just start counting calories instead of meals, that might work faster. 

While she was copying my homework, I looked at the back of the granola bar to see how many calories I had for breakfast. The wrapper said 120 per bar, I ate about half, so about 60 calories to start the day. I wasn’t exactly sure how many calories was too many, so I figured keeping myself under 1,000 a day would be fine. After all, 2,000 was the recommendation, and I was trying to loose weight, so half of that seemed like a safe bet. 

Soon, the bell rang for homeroom. Virginia and I said we’d see each other in third period and left. 

Homeroom was boring. Like I said earlier, I don’t have a lot of friends, and i’m too anxious to try and get into a friend group, so most of the time during homeroom I sit by myself pretending to do homework or read a book.  
Sometimes I listen to the chatter of the other students, the boys trying too hard to be cool, the girls talking amongst their friends about a cool new tv show they saw, or a cool new song they heard, or telling funny stories. Some part of me wishes I could join them, but I know I wouldn’t fit in, so I just sit and listen. 

Eventually, the bell rang, and everyone shuffled out of the classroom and meandered around the halls. My first period was chemistry, which is always a fun class when you’re tired as fuck. I manage to pay attention for the most part, but God, chemistry sucks. It’s basically a second math class, and all the elements and atoms and things are so confusing. The only good part about the class is the girl I sit next to, who sometimes slides me funny notes, or drawings of the teacher looking crazy. She’s sweet, and her and I text each other sometimes. We don’t really talk, we mostly just send each other memes or cursed images until one of us falls asleep, but she’s fun. Her name’s Josephine, but everyone calls her Jo. 

Once chemistry was over, I had English class. English was actually my favorite subject, even if Shakespeare was a little bitch. I love to read, even if the assigned book isn’t particularly interesting. I’ve always been a gifted reader, so reading is one of my favorite things to do. I haven’t been doing it as much lately, because I haven’t had the energy, and I always fall asleep mid-chapter. 

I sat and moved around in my chair, listening to the teacher drone about “the way it was Back Then” or something like that, and wondered when this class would be over. I love English, yeah, but I’m tired and want this day to be over with. Additionally, Virginia’s in my next class. 

I decided I should pay attention if I wanted to pass the final, so I started to listen and answer a few of the teacher’s questions. Romeo and Juliet was an odd book, but it was fairly easy to read. 

“Miss Taylor,” he called on me by my last name, which was kind of his thing, “What’s the relationship between the sun and the moon in this story, and what does it represent?”

I quickly rattled off an answer about the sun and the moon never being out at the same time, furthering the idea that Romeo and Juliet are star crossed lovers. Even in metaphor they keep each other apart. 

He seemed satisfied with my answer and was beginning to move on to someone else when the bell rang. After his usual “the bell does not dismiss you, I do” and a reminder of the homework, he let us go to our next class.


	2. Jack J.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be with chapter 1 but my brain didnt want to do anything for like 2 weeks so I kept putting it off. sorry!! ill try to be more consistent with updates <3
> 
> also, sorry I am literally incapable of writing long chapters, Ill write a sentence and be like ‘oh my god cmon i gotta close w that’ so I just go w it

As I was walking to geometry, Virginia came up behind me and playfully tugged on some of my hair, startling me.   
“Hey!” I yelled at her with an accusatory tone.  
”What? That’s payback for punching me this morning!” She grinned at me, and I felt my chest tighten. Suddenly, I didn’t wanna talk. I didn’t want her to be seen with someone as imperfect as me. I couldn’t let her know that though, she’d just feel bad for me, and the last thing I want is her to pity me. So I decided to play along and pretend everything was all right.  
Math class was a drag. The only good part was Virginia, as usual. She and I sit next to each other, and we pass notes and talk when the teacher isn’t looking. I know she’s trying to be sweet and funny and, well, herself, but i can’t stop thinking about the way I looked. 

I set my hand down on my stomach. I could feel the rolls made by my slouching underneath my shirt, and I hated it. Even when I sat up straight I could squeeze the fat that made the rolls. I felt sick to my stomach. I had hardly eaten anything today but I felt so full. I wanted to go home sick and sleep it off. I felt so... weird, that I didn’t want to do anything. I figured if I just went home and slept, I wouldn’t have to do anything and would maybe feel better when I woke up.   
I knew I couldn’t go home though. As easy as public school is, I wouldn’t want to miss school and have to do makeup work. Shit sucks, but it’d be worse if i had to play catch-up.   
After Mr. Harrison finished droning on about the fucking pythagorean theorem? (At least, that’s what I think he was talking about, I’m too tired to pay attention to math right now.) He gave us our homework and declared we had free time to do whatever we wanted- so long as we didn’t disturb the other students. So, of course, Virginia and I sat on the floor right next to each other and whispered to each other, hiding our phones behind our schoolbooks, and showing each other stupid memes. We were whispering about a stupid tweet I had showed her, when Jack Jorgensen and his gang of shit-for-brains friends walked past, loudly whispering the words “Hey, it’s the dyke,” before sauntering off to a different corner of the room.   
I flushed red in embarrassment. Suddenly I didn’t care about make-up work, I just wanted to go home and sleep.   
I guess Virginia could tell that upset me, and she put her arm around my shoulder, saying “Hey, Jack Jorgensen can suck my dick. He’s one of those rich kids who’s parents think he can’t do anything wrong. One day though, someones gonna fuck him up, and he wont be able to run to his mommy.”  
“I hope I get to do the honors”  
She laughed at this and took her hand away, and I almost wanted to pull it back, for us to stay like this until we had to leave, but that would make her seem like a dyke too. I wondered why she even associates with the weird alt girl, the dyke, when she was so perfect.   
I used to not mind people calling me a dyke. Sure it irritated me, but I was the different one in a small, close-minded, town, of course the dumb bitchboys would call me that. In the last few months though, it had become personal. I’d realized that I was a dyke, and every slur thrown at me felt like my secret had come out.   
No one knows, I had to keep telling myself, you haven’t told anyone, they couldn’t possibly know.   
The bell rang, thank God. Virginia and I walked the halls together, like we usually do, until we had to split to get to our next class.   
“Bye! See ya at lunch!” she called to me from across the hall. I waved back and smiled at her, a smile a bit too full, too loving, to be between friends. But I knew she wouldn’t ever like me. Who would? I was 124 pounds, alternative, and what most people in this town would call an abomination.   
I have to remind myself of that sometimes.


End file.
